Why?

Is it so hard to tell... how to express.... All that i know is actually....actually there.'s only one simple thing bugging  me dis whole life, dis pass 6 to 7 years and still, i don.'t know how or what to do or decide because, just because of a damn simple reason, that is....I myself also do not know...so u found your religion, you love that religion, blieve in what you were taught or heard but what YOU want might not and is actually, can never be  what I actually really want or believe  in. It's up to oneself... It really is agonizing deep into my flesh and bones, needing to follow along, trying to like something for  more than 5 that I never ever really liked or love... How can those people keep it going...??! It's pathetic....I am too!      When should I do it? the impact...perhaps I am just extrapolating the matter to the max but that is of possibility...I can't...I dont know....this is why also I find myself happier not being there...I litterally feel noxious being there, even having to listen. Yea....! exaggerating you might think but that really is it.              YES I Have tried to change, shift the winds of the caused seasick but to no avail for more than 5 years!       What is this!!!! almost 4 and still clicking away....Hell...I HAte this!!    WHEN!?.......